I'm sitting at my kitchen table with an application staring me in the face and a knot in my stomach. The job is a teaching position at the private school my boys are attending. The thought of me going back to work really physically makes me sick. I am not opposed to going back to work, in fact, I'm ready. I just don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Problem is, that time of being "grown up" is here. I truly feel my boys need to be at this school. We have hit some financially hard times, as most have and our debt is making it hard to make all the ends meet. My salary would more than pay for the boys school. I have waited and waited for the phone to ring for that "perfect" job...but "they" (you know the perfect job person) must be dialing the wrong number and keeps giving my perfect job away to someone else....
From the time I was a little girl, I was going to be a Mommy. I used to dream of the day I would marry my husband and have children...In high school, we had to choose a career and go to that job for a day. I tried doing the "mother" bit, but they wouldn't let me stay home to observe my mom (not sure why), so I decided to try nursing...got to the hospital to observe and they took me in a room with an elderly lady getting a simple I.V. okay, that's cool....no, not cool, needle went in, lady shook a little, I ended up on the floor - out like a light...The next thing I know I'm in the nurse's lounge with a doctor standing over me asking me if I am okay. I knew from that moment on, I could not do medical....So, I'll teach..That way I can be with my children...I was graduated from High School, went to local Jr. College, where I think I majored more in Social Life than Associates Degree...I knew I might have a problem when I worked my schedule around The Young and Restless. I mean Marge was having a face lift and it was going to be televised. I had to go to Mazzios, have my mini pizza on the table with my drink and a few fellow classmates for support to watch this event. Maybe it was the whole nursing thing coming out in me. No, honestly, it was what this whole thing boils down to......Failure!!! I let that one word rule my entire life.....If I try out, I WON'T make it. If I apply for this job, they WON'T pick me....There it is....I am paralized by failure.....Hard for someone like me to admit that.....Some probably read this and say, "she's just lazy"; some might say, "get over it and do it"; or maybe, just maybe some read this and go, "I totally understand this"....If that's you , you know it's real....Not something I'm proud of, just something I have.....
So, here I am in the middle of a "war with myself" .....angry that I keep doubting myself, but shaking when I fill out the application....I am paralized....
The job would be great for many reasons, I would be somewhat close to my boys and I would have my summers off...best part....However, the things holding me back is I really don't like being in a box. I remember I was doing a permanent substitute teaching job for a friend of mine and can remember vividly being outside with the kids and looking through the fence wishing I could be on the other side....
I was hoping to ease back into the working world slowly....I have been home for 14 years...Hard to change my way of thinking...So, if you're interested, you can follow me through the process of letting go of my fear, attempting to let God show me the way without me bypassing Him or me trying to "help" Him, finding the right thing that will make me happy, that "thing" we call a JOB.....
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